Numb

Ever get the feeling that you don't know what the hell you are doing in your life? That weird feeling of nothingness.. not being quite sad, but yet not happy. Not really stressed, but not relaxed either. Usually, when you are bored or don't enjoy what is going on in that exact moment, you think to yourself "I would prefer to be doing [enter activity here]". Ever get the feeling that you don't really know what you would prefer to be doing instead? You don't particularly enjoy the moment, yet you don't know what else would be more enjoyable. So you don't know how to make the feeling stop. What about that feeling that makes you second-guess your life choices and wonder whether you are on the path that is right for you? Or maybe it's the same feeling but disguised in a different form? And then there's the feeling "I want to go out and enjoy myself" coming head to head with "I want to stay home and do nothing" at the same time. And then not being able to tell what you would prefer to be doing, even if it is neither of those two options.
How does did feeling develop and why? How does it go away? Does it ever really go away?

And maybe when the stars align again in the night sky, when the butterfly flaps its wings against the warm air and the clouds make way for the silver moonlight, maybe then you will come back to me. And then the stars will laugh with your laughter and all nature will start singing the song that only we know. And just like before, the world will be dancing in synchronisation to the symphony of our story and the waves of the sea will give way to the wondrous love that will start pouring out from the depths of our united heart.

Be Safe

Nowhere is safe anymore. I'm tired of all of these stuff, of bombs on planes, of shooting innocent people, of terrorising the world, of killing in cold blood. Once I thought that all people, no matter what their differences, wanted one thing in common : peace. Maybe I was wrong.

What has this world become? How did it all start? Why are we only realising this now? And yes, I am afraid. Not just for me, but for my loved ones and the good people of this world. You might say, no, don't be afraid, if you are scared it means they've won. But you know what? We've let them win, by cultivating hatred and closing our eyes when things were less severe by thinking that "it's ok, this is not happening to me". We let them win by closing our borders, blaming immigrants all the time for the bad things happening in our country. I live in a European country and yet never feel safe, no matter where I am. If you had one chance to safe yourself and your family by fleeing, wouldn't you?

It's about time for all people to find the humanity they've lost and unite to fight this. I don't know how, I don't have the answers. But maybe love and compassion is a small step towards that.

Letting Go

All my life I’ve been trying to be strong. I’ve always been the laid back, never stressed, forgiving, seeing the silver lining kind of person. Trying not to be scared of anything, being this perfect version of myself. And I’ve been trying to understand the world, to accept the things that I didn’t like and couldn’t change. I’ve changed a lot, developed as a person, understood aspects of life. I struggled a lot to find my inner peace, but still haven’t found it. For this past year, I’ve been quite the opposite person. I’ve been afraid and stressed and worried, sometimes without realizing it, and I’ve started experiencing annoying anxiety thoughts. I know I’ll never be completely free of my fears unless I accept them. And so I try to understand them and let them go. It’s ok for accidents to happen, it’s ok for people to end up in hospitals and have surgeries. It’s ok to get sick, it’s ok to lose control, it’s ok to be afraid. It’s ok to want to curl up in a ball and cry. It happens that people get cancer, it happens that they die, it happens that some of my friends’ dads died. It’s ok to be worried for an exam, it’s ok for people not to pick up their phones for whole hours. It’s ok to get a head rush, it’s ok to faint, it’s ok to be in pain. No, nothing is going to happen to you when you live alone, no, they won’t find you dead, no, you won’t faint in a locked room or suffocate. It would be ok if you panicked, it you be ok even in an exam, it would be ok in the plane. And it’s ok to feel anxious without particular reason. It’s ok to worry that past events may happen again. It’s ok.

We are strong enough to deal with everything that we have to face. Bad things happen, yes. But good things happen as well. And I am grateful for my wonderful family and friends, the gifts I was given in life and the strength I’ve had so far. If something bad happens, I’ll have the strength to face it when the time comes. And I’m sure one day I’ll look back and realize how stronger I’ve become. This is just how life is. Ups and downs. I know that to finally find my inner peace, I need to accept these.

Those marks will remind me of the fears which I burned away.

And today will be the day I leave them behind and start living life the way I used to. Today is the day that I make this vow to myself.

Mind over matter.

Falling

You wonder why I fell for you?

I fell for the warmth your lips leave on my forehead after a long kiss. I fell for your tight embrace, your arms towering over me. The goosebumps your kisses leave when they trace my back. The sweet wait when I know you're coming for me.I fell for the sound of your words and the shyness in your voice when you whisper that you missed me. I fell for the wide smile and the spark in your eyes whenever I enter the room. I fell for the way you cherish me and care for me. For your honest laughter, your brains, your skills. The silly moments we shared. I fell for those times you held me in your protective arms to soothe me, those late nights when we shared the darkest parts of our souls. Your patience and endurance, the way you always see right through me. I fell for the way you shouted that you don't want me to change the things you hate about me cause otherwise it wouldn't be me. I fell for your confessions and your honesty. I fell for the way you tear me apart and then fix me again, the way you take my tearing face in your hands before you kiss me.

I fell for you, cause you are my "incomplete, in my life full of incompletes".

It's funny how the person who can fix you can also rip you apart.