Have you ever been in love?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 

- Neil Gaiman

This wise man was able to describe exactly how it feels in just a few sentences. However, he forgot to mention how it feels at first. Here’s how it goes..

Once upon a time, you are the star of your horribly boring life. You feel like you just go in circles, your life has become so monotonous, that it’s just a routine. Then the day finally comes. The day you meet that special someone who changes your life completely.  Suddenly, you have a reason to live your ex-monotonous life. All those defenses you had built before, all those walls around your heart allowing no one to enter again, are just destroyed. Simple as that. All those times you swore you’d never fall for someone, are just erased. That someone becomes the centre of your existence, like gravity is not the force holding you on earth anymore. And you’d do anything for that someone. You do stupid and useless things, just in order to spend some more time with him. Even just minutes or seconds, it doesn’t really matter. As long as you get to be with him. You are like a satellite in an orbit around him. He is the brightest star on your own personal night sky. He is the brilliant sun on your no-more-rainy days. He is the diamond in your coal-dusty life. The silver lining of your whole being. Funny thing how just a smile from him makes your day seem golden. His touch, always so comforting, takes away any pain. It feels more like you were in constant pain, but you hadn’t realized it, until his touch took it away. His embrace so warm and protective, you just bury yourself in it and never want to get out. Even if you want so bad to stay there for long, you break it fast, so that he wouldn’t feel awkward. Your head’s on the clouds, you can’t help but daydream of the perfect day when he will be yours. How foolish. He seems so nice, you believe that you finally found that special someone who will always brighten your days and will always care for you and be by your side. He seems to act like that. Again, how foolish.

You let your heart wide open, so that he would notice and enter it and stay there, maybe forever. You sacrificed so many things in order to get to be with him. You let your friends down because of him, because he became you number one priority, because nothing else mattered, but him. You made the mistake to become vulnerable once again. Then, the phrase “just friends” comes to finally knock you out. Again. You knocked on his door, but he wouldn’t answer. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door”. You built so many doors. He opened some of them. He made you feel special and wanted. But he didn’t open that special door to his own heart. He left you outside in the cold, wondering where you went wrong, where you stumbled along the way.  The same mistakes all over again. Girl falls for guy. Guy dumps girl. And vice versa. The word dump would look right if there was actually a relationship. Which didn’t actually exist. Then what? Anyone heard of “So miserable, she couldn’t cry” Well, I guess it’s true. Because sometimes tears can’t define the overwhelming pain you feel.  How could they show all that pain and agony, how could they send the message that your heart is stolen? You gave it to someone else. You just have to find a way to get it back. And here is the difficult part. Destroyed, torn apart, your heart ripped out of your chest. How are you supposed to get over this? Time heals, they say. Well, does it? For what I know, it doesn’t. You just have to find the will and the strength to get back on your feet and live again. Only this time, you’ll be living for you and only you. Not some stupid random guy who played with your feelings.

Could you get up, though?

Could you leave the past to the past?

Could you find a way to make it alone?

Could you leave that closed door behind, and open a new one?

Only you can find the answer. 

Here's a wonderful song about love, by Celine Dion