She was feeling his eyes on her back as she was leaving. They had a light, pleasant chat. Like nothing weird was going on between them. Like they both lived in ignorance. But that was just an illusion. They both knew. Well, sort of. Her feelings for him were clear. He knew it. Still, he wouldn't do anything about it. She knew that he was feeling something for her. But he wouldn't admit it. Maybe it wasn't strong enough for a relationship. Maybe he just cared about her in a friendly way. But that wouldn't explain all those messages out of the blue, expressing his concern about her. Neither those full of guilt, for not being there for her more. But he made himself clear. He wouldn't try something beyond frienship. As she walked, she looked behind her back. There he was, still standing on the same spot. Gorgeous. From the spot she was, she could see a bright radiance around his body. But no, it must had been her eyes playing tricks on her. He looked like he was in deep thoughts. She turned her head and continued walking, buried in her own thoughts.
He was so different from other boys. And weird, in a good way. So many memories of them together would always stay in her mind. She would cherish them. Though his decision was clear to her, she had a feeling that something wasn't right. She just couldn't put her finger on it. He was always so mysterious. She was feeling like he was hiding something from her. It felt like the real reason he didn't want them to be together,was something entirely different from what he let her believe. She had a few suspicions, but that wasn't enough. She could wait. That's what she has been doing the last few months. Waiting for a move that would show his feelings. And when that move came, she still wasn't sure if it was just a gesture of friendship, or he was falling for her. One thing for sure, all that time,she was slowly falling for him. She would have never imagined that something like that would happen! He wasn't the kind of guy she was usually attracted to. However, once she got to know him better, realise who he really was, everything changed. It was like, she fell for his unique character. Plus,his was attractive. Still, not her usual style, but who cared? She liked him for who he were.
She kept saying that she was okay with them being just friends, but the truth was that it was really causing her pain. She had dreams about them being together. She imagined it so many times. Here she was again, broken hearted once more. But this time was different. The last time a guy broke her heart, she managed to make it to the surface from that ocean of pain. She made it stronger. She didn't cry when he decided. However, she was still emotional. She cried when he expressed his concern and love (as a friend). On one hand, she was moved from the way he cared about her. On the other hand, she cried because there was a hint in his words, underlining again his decision to stick to friendship. At least, she was pleased that she could still be near him. They could still talk about presonal stuff, she could still be there for him whenever he needed a friend. Maybe, in this way, they could stay in each other's life forever. Sadly, she couldn't help but fear that day and only day when he would fall in love with somebody else. Seeing his love for her, seeing them together would only break her in a million pieces. She had to get over him before that happened. But how would she? She felt like waiting for him a bit more. Plus, her emotions weren't something controlled under her will.
He lingered in the doorway, watching her walking away in her graceful pace. It had been a while since they last talked about how things were between them. Still, after all these months of hanging out and getting to know each other, he wasn't sure about the way he felt about her. His memories of the past few months were crystal clear, and he felt them pounding in his head, like they were trying to make their way out of his skull. The overwhelming emotions brought humidity to his eyes. But he wouldn't cry, no. He would find a way to distinguish his feelings from one another,eventually. The past events were so bewildering. Some of his actions were confusing, even to himself. It was like, his brain was telling him to do something entirely different from his heart.
He really didn't know how he felt about her. Her floral perfume was still hanging in the air, at the spot where they were chatting seconds ago. She was just.. amazing. They had so many things in common,but still, when he tried to think about them,he couldn't come up with something. Which was weird. And confusing. He loved the way she was laughing when they were talking about random, stupid things. She was pleasant,in her own unique way. She was always trying to look at the silver lining, even if things were pretty messed up. Even though he didn't want to admit it, she was affecting him. Affecting his way of thinking. But she was affected by him, too. When he felt like talking, she was always there for him, trying to help, even though she sometimes couldn't. He even told her about things troubling him which he told to noone else.Not even his best friend. She was always trying to find the right words to say, words that would sooth his pain. And when she couldn't, she told him things which were pure truth. He liked her honesty. So he was honest to her, too. He didn't want to create illusions in her mind, even though he did these past months.
Ah. Her smile. Curved in his memory forever. He was feeling so peaceful when he looked at her smile. It was like everything was in peace when she was happy. He liked knowing that. What's more, they were having so much fun together. Endless minutes of laughter. When they were chatting, they wouldn't shut up, driving crazy all the others in the conversation.
Everyone thought that something special was going on between them. It was a long time ago, since their first time together, that people started asking personal questions. But really,did what other people think about them matter? He didn't think so. What was really important was what they thought was going on.
And this question was something that even himself couldn't answer. He knew about her feelings. He knew they were deep. But somehow, she seemed okay with their friendship. At least, that's what she was saying. They big questionmark, is what he was feeling. He liked the thought of her being happy. He wanted to be always there for her. He even sometimes felt like protecting her, even though no harm was actually around. He never wanted her smile to be erased from her face.
But still.. Was a relationship what he really wanted? Whas there the needed spark? He didn't think so. Could it work out? He didn't know. What if they ended up arguing? He didn't want a break up to take away their wonderful friendship. He didn't want to lose her.
Though, he had to admit to himseld, he was a bit of a coward. He wouldn't risk it, even though she was dying for his love. Was he afraid to fall in love? Maybe. The thought of the possible pain of a heart break made him flinch away from the thought. Did love deserve a chance? He didn't know. Could he love her? No answer. He could try, though. But he didn't want a relationship in which their feelings weren't the same. He would hurt her. He hated hurting her. She was so petite and fragile.. Hurting her would be cruel. He would stick to his decision. The safe way of friendship. Still, he had to understand his tangled feelings. Maybe one day he would.
But maybe when the day would finally come, she wouldn't be around.
Today, I caught myself thinking about how different this school year has been so far. Different friends,different experiences and knowledges. Memories I'll always cherish. I keep thinking about the time I'll have to say goodbye. Maybe a temporary one. Maybe not.
I’ll always remember the new friends I made and the stronger bonds I created with others. These new bonds, made me realize that friendship is all about love, support and understanding. Most of all, these bonds will remain tight between me and my friends, even if our paths are different, so different that our friendship will last from miles and miles away. I will always remember the crazy moments we had together, the serious and not-so-serious discussions we had, the silly jokes that kept me awake all night, laughing to tears on my bed, and the unstoppable chatting with someone, which drove my best friend crazy, because she couldn’t have her turn to talk :P
I guess that's what high school's supposed to mean. Making friends, building unbreakable bonds with them, which will have to remain unbreakable even if our routes part. I hope mine won't break. Maybe distance will make them stronger.
So, I'm I ready for the heart-breaking farewell? No, I think not. And I won't be, when the moment finally comes.
"When my time comes,forget the wrong that I've done,help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resend me,and when you're feeling empty,keep my in your memory,leave out all the rest.." -LP
"I'll keep you locked in my heart,until we meet again" -Pink
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strenght to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go..
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so
What was left when that fire was gone I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got..
How nice. Each day is like my personal worst and most horrifying nightmare is coming to life. Great. I'm sooo proud of myself. What the hell is wrong with me?
The green-eyed monster has finally made its way to me. And I hate this. Not just because of the feeling I get, because that also means I'm selfish. Which I try not to be. See? Everything is messed up. You try so hard for something, you convince yourself that it's okay with you, that you can fight this off. You think that everything will be perfect, even in this way. You can be satisfied about how things turned out, even if it was not the way you wanted them to be. How foolish. Then, reality hits you. A really huge hit. It sets your head spinning and makes you wonder "where did I go wrong?" Someone could say it's not your fault. Humans are programmed to feel this way, it's part of the human nature. However, it is your fault, since you couldn't fight it. You really are selfish, even if you try so hard to convince yourself you are not. I hate myself.
Something even worse, the past which I'm not so proud of follows me around. It lingers in the shadows everywhere I go, waiting for the right moment to appear in front of my eyes and make the way I feel even worse. Waiting for a happy time, grab on it and turn it to shit. I've done some things which I regret. Things I wouldn't do if i was really acting like myself. But I let myself get influenced by others. Big time! I keep thinking about how people fall in the trap and behave like somebody else, do stuff which doesn't sound like them. Looks like Im not that different from them. I'm not proud of what I did. And even If i try to act like nothing happened, I can't erase the past. It's not that I want to forget. No, I believe in forgive but not forget. Because forgetting will lead you to do the same mistakes again, eventually. I wish I could turn back time, undo what I did. I'm not expecting that things would be different now, but ,for sure, I would feel better with myself. I wouldn't have to be ashamed. One thing that I know about life? Never expose your private life. If people respect you, they won't. And if you respect yourself, you wont,either. I guess I don't really respect myself, the way I think.
I hope I'll learn from my mistakes. And I wish I won't have to prove to myself, once more, how stupid I really am. Seriously, I cant be more stupid than I am.
Κάποιοι την αποκαλούν ημέρα κρίσης, το τέλος του κόσμου, η αποκάλυψη, η δευτέρα παρουσία.. Εγώ την αποκαλώ ημέρα που ο άνθρωπος θα πληρώσει οριστικά για τα τρομερά λάθη που έκανε εις άγνια του και μη που οδήγησαν τελικά στην καταστροφή του περιβάλλοντος. 2012; Όχι, δεν νομίζω πως καταστροφή θα έρθει την συγκεκριμένη μέρα του Δεκεμβρίου. Κάποιος πιο ψαγμένος θα ξέρει πως, την συγκεκριμένη μέρα που όλη φοβούνται πως όλοι θα πεθάνουμε επειδή τελιώνει το ημερολόγιο των Μάγια, στην ουσία τελειώνει ένας κύκλος από το ημερολόγιο τους, που συχνά πίστευαν ότι συνοδευόταν από μια μεγάλη καταστροφή. Η κατάσταση γίνεται πιο ενδιαφέρουσα από το γεγονός ότι ο συγκεκριμένος άντρας που έφερε στο φως τη θεωρία της καταστροφής του κόσμου σύμφωνα με τους Μάγια, αργότερα αναθεώρησε και προσπάθησε να κουκουλώσει αυτά που είπε. Google it.
Πίσω στο θέμα μας. Ειλικρινά, πιστεύω πως η Γη δεν θα περιμένει μια συγκεκριμένη μέρα για να καταστραφεί. Τι εννοώ; Κοιτάξτε γύρω σας. Σήμερα για παράδειγμα, 8.4 βαθμούς στην κλίμακα ρίχτερ στην Ιαπωνία. Από τους ισχυρότερους σεισμούς τα τελευταία 140 χρόνια. (σημειωτέον ότι μόνο τα 140 τελευτέα χρόνια έχουμε τη δυνατότητα να μετράμε την ισχή των σεισμών.) Κατά συνέπεια, ισχυροί μετασεισμοί, καθώς και τσουνάμι. Πολλές μέρες πέρασαν από τότε που ακούσαμε για καταστροφικές πλημμύρες; Όσον αφορά τους ανεμοστρόβιλους; Τους κυκλώνες; Συνειδητοποίησε κανείς πως το φαινόμενο του θερμοκηπίου έχει πιάσει δουλειά; Μήπως αντιλήφθηκε κανείς ότι η τρύπα του όζοντος συνεχώς μεγαλώνει; Και οι πάγοι; Νομίζετε πως θα μας περιμένουν να ξυπνήσουμε πριν αρχίσουν να λιώνουν; Η Γη γύρω μας καταστρέφεται συνεχώς κι εμείς κάνουμε τα στραβά μάτια. Η φύση ξύπνησε και μας εκδικείται! Και τι κάνουμε γι αυτό; Απλά ανταλλάζουμε πυρ, καταστρέφοντας την περισσότερο.
Το εννοώ. Ακόμα υπάρχουν τερατογεννήσεις από την ραδιενέργεια που σκόρπισαν οι πυρηνικές βόμβες. Σε λίγα χρόνια, πετρέλαιο θα λέμε και πετρέλαιο δεν θα βλέπουμε. Θα έρθουν τα πάνω κάτω, καθώς θα γίνουμε πιόνια στην σκακιέρα των "ισχυρών", οι οποίοι θα μπορούν να ελέγχουν την οποιαδήποτε μας κίνηση (κατά κάποιο τρόπο πιστεύω πως ήδη μπορούν). Και πώς θα μας χρησιμοποιήσουν; Απλό. Πέρα από την εκμετάλλευση, θα γίνουμε τα στρατιωτάκια τους, στον πιο καταστροφικό πόλεμο στην ιστορία της ανθρωπότητας, ο οποίος θα είναι το κερασάκι στην τούρτα στην ολική καταστροφή της Γης. Δεν μπορώ να διανοηθώ τι είδους όπλα έχουν σήμερα στην κατοχή τους, μετά από την τόση ανάπτυξη της τεχνολογίας. "I do not know with what kinds of weapons the Third World War will be fought, but the Fourth World War will be fought with sticks and stones." -Albert Einstein Λέτε να ήξερε κάτι παραπάνω;
Και τι κάνουμε για όλ' αυτά; Μήπως είναι καιρός να ανοίξουμε τα μάτια μας και να φερθούμε λογικά; Για αρκετό καιρό κάναμε την "πάπια". Ώρα να δράσουμε πριν να είναι πολύ αργά. Αν και η ζημιά είναι πλέον ανεπανόρθωτη, υπάρχει ακόμη ελπίδα. Θέλουμε περιβάλλον; Ας το φροντίσουμε, για να το έχουμε.