Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Stupidity (x2)

How nice. Each day is like my personal worst and most horrifying nightmare is coming to life. Great. I'm sooo proud of myself. What the hell is wrong with me?
The green-eyed monster has finally made its way to me. And I hate this. Not just because of the feeling I get, because that also means I'm selfish. Which I try not to be. See? Everything is messed up. You try so hard for something, you convince yourself that it's okay with you, that you can fight this off. You think that everything will be perfect, even in this way. You can be satisfied about how things turned out, even if it was not the way you wanted them to be. How foolish. Then, reality hits you. A really huge hit. It sets your head spinning and makes you wonder "where did I go wrong?" Someone could say it's not your fault. Humans are programmed to feel this way, it's part of the human nature. However, it is your fault, since you couldn't fight it. You really are selfish, even if you try so hard to convince yourself you are not. I hate myself.
Something even worse, the past which I'm not so proud of follows me around. It lingers in the shadows everywhere I go, waiting for the right moment to appear in front of my eyes and make the way I feel even worse. Waiting for a happy time, grab on it and turn it to shit. I've done some things which I regret. Things I wouldn't do if i was really acting like myself. But I let myself get influenced by others. Big time! I keep thinking about how people fall in the trap and behave like somebody else, do stuff which doesn't sound like them. Looks like Im not that different from them. I'm not proud of what I did. And even If i try to act like nothing happened, I can't erase the past. It's not that I want to forget. No, I believe in forgive but not forget. Because forgetting will lead you to do the same mistakes again, eventually. I wish I could turn back time, undo what I did. I'm not expecting that things would be different now, but ,for sure, I would feel better with myself. I wouldn't have to be ashamed. One thing that I know about life? Never expose your private life. If people respect you, they won't. And if you respect yourself, you wont,either. I guess I don't really respect myself, the way I think.
I hope I'll learn from my mistakes. And I wish I won't have to prove to myself, once more, how stupid I really am. Seriously, I cant be more stupid than I am. 

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